angsty. kooky. peculiar. sleepy. just me.

I just had an epiphany. Or a revelation of some sort. I dunno how to call it but I realized something that I have been pondering on for quite some time. For 4 years actually. It started with a simple get together with Anna, we haven’t seen each other for some time and she invited me over for some girl talk and drinks.

Settling in with the conversation was easy, like with all old friends, friends that you haven’t seen for so long (not that Anna and I haven’t seen each other for years), but even the longest time cannot change what relationship you both have, and this was one of those times. We talked about our relationships at present, then went on with the past and that’s how it all started.

I realized three things but one was the most critical it’s really frustrating why I hadn’t seen it before even when it was already biting my ass then.

One. People change. Yes, it’s obvious but it really hit me now because I feel I’m older because of that knowledge. We were at a party when this boy(guy) introduced himself as my bus mate in highschool which turned out to be the little brother of my friend that I haven’t seen for so long – now beside me at a drinking session that I should be telling him NOT to join. I mean, I was putting him to sleep with his sister and carrying them on my back for pete’s sake! Okie, THAT sounded lame and OLD. But the fact that I’m saying this, and realizing that all I attend now are weddings, baptisms, and funerals are MAJOR signs that are all blinking up at me saying ‘hey Samantha, you’re getting old’. Shit… but it doesn’t really bug me that much before because no matter how old I get, I always end up as the baby of the group, except with my friends at home, of course. But now… it’s different. But like everything else, it has a positive note, knowing that I am also growing… wiser and more practical.

Two. Everywhere you go, there is always a conflict. No matter if it’s work, in a relationship with friends, a partner or family. No matter if you’re smart or stupid, you will end up in a situation where you will have to be torn apart. Literally or figuratively. Go figure. As long as you have the guts to choose, which you always have, a choice, that is, you will have to grind your teeth to get where you want to be, no matter how hard.

And the final, third and most important realization.

I was distinctly aware or rather, I always knew that when I met Rab, that I was lucky. That for some reason, nature has its way of telling you that you deserve some happiness and therefore give you something or someone you have wished for. A lot of my friends often voice out loud that I am so lucky to have him, and so lucky to have what we have now. That they wish they would have the same kind of feeling I’m having, just pure bliss. They tell us that we are really great together especially how we handle our relationship. But that’s the thing, WE HANDLE.

Looking back to where I was before, I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I had someone I love, someone who I enjoyed being with, someone who I had learned a great deal from. But something was really off. And while Anna and I were talking about it, I had mentioned something I had done before that he didn’t know (or so I think. Hmmm…). I read his journal and I didn’t like what I saw. But Anna also pointed out that I also haven’t been any better. And that hit me. The reason, the turning point of my perspective of our relationship then. We fight, we talk, but we never resolve. We never got to just honestly talk about how we feel for one another, at least in the hidden depths of our hearts and minds. He never told me how he thought I was crazy and that I needed to find some professional assistance, and I never told him that deep inside my gut I hated him for what he did to me, I did in a way, but not the whole essential point of WHY. We just threw hurtful words, scarring both parties I guess, for life. But we never explained, fully and rationally about the whys. I guess I should’ve realized that he was trying to, but then again, he didn’t try to listen and think beyond what was going on then. Flashing back on that email he sent me, saying that we could still work out, that he could change did not do any good, not because I didn’t want to, but because I knew he can’t do it, not for himself and not for me. I know. I knew. Because for three years I have been trying and it all dealt nothing. Just hurt and hate. I guess that’s the time when love and hate collided. Only hate was stronger and faster and easier.

Regret is not the word I’m looking for. Only relief. Because even if it’s too late, it still did me some good. Because if not for the past relationships I had been with, especially the last one, I would never be able to fully appreciate what I have now. And that’s saying something. If I would have the opportunity to talk to him, I will thank him. I won’t apologize, but I will thank him because he changed me, into someone better. He made me see that I could be better. Lame or as corny as it sounds, I’m perfectly happy because of this realization, because I cannot be who I am now if not for the things that shaped me into my turning points and breakthroughs. I did not use anyone, instead, they lent me their abilities to be. Just be.

And that’s the whole point of this entry.

Life is good, if you want it to be. So cheers. :>

i actually wrote this months before, forgetting what title i wanted. but here i go, posting it anyway. 

It’s a weird feeling, knowing I need to do a lot of stuff yet here I am typing away trying to collect some thoughts. It’s been a while though. A year perhaps? J

Last night was one reminder for me that we are getting older. Seeing friends whom I haven’t seen for 2 years was an overwhelming experience yet, it didn’t seem that different. We didn’t seem to change that much, but we are moving forward. We are… in the real world. 4 summers before I never knew life could get more complicated than what I had then. A college student struggling to cope with life as one would know fit.

Thinking about the things that have happened so far, I think I might’ve been too hasty about being older. Next thing I know the gatherings we’ll be most attending are weddings and baby showers and funerals. Thing is, if most of what you’ve been attending are funerals of your friends, you should realize that you are old.

It’s not something to stop me from moving forward, it’s just a thought that makes me contemplate on what to do next. Like getting married for instance- I’m now trying to weigh the thought of converting into Bon’s religion (but I still want to retain). I don’t want to convert thinking it’ll make things easier, there’s no guarantee.

It’s been a year and I’ve survived high school (yeah boy). I’ve survived the rude side comments, the face-ups, the people you thought you trusted sits, the students vs you shoutouts, the crazy shibals, mot seng gat ta, no mot seng gyou ssu weird moments and antics, people changing moments, student crying events, teacher slashing (that’s me actually), mistaken identities, and a lot of other crazy things that can only happen in SISC. And there’s really nothing to say- I love it. No matter how stressful it can get, I love it. I love my students, I love my co-teachers, I love the eating moments, the events, the things I’ve done that I’ve never tried before. It can get tiring, but then again, you get the best moments here and there. The students who I once had fights with and exchange banters with venom now sees me as a friend and someone they can trust.

As for the teacher slashing bit, I saw my student trying to hurt herself using a cutter. Knowing this person is a child with a lot of social problems, I was scared and concerned. I made her talk to me outside the classroom and I realized I wasn’t getting through to her in the conventional way of processing, out of impulse, I took the cutter and slashed my own hand. THAT got to her. Although I felt bad about making her cry, I didn’t regret it, sure that she learned her lesson. She felt so guilty about it she didn’t want to look at my hand. Though It wasn’t much, it made the impact that I was hoping for. And she did change, a bit. At least in a little way, she was a little bit smarter. Though when she wasn’t looking, I had to cringe a bit because of the blood. Ech. (haha)

I realized also that I’m not the usual kind of teacher. I have my own way of disciplining kids without being so bitchy all the time. I am sarcastic and it helps because kids these days so cynical and a bit over clouded by their judgments. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into. Most of the time, I’m just happy.

It’s my second year now and I’m feeling a little bit unhappy. Not with the students, but within the system. I think that wherever I go, there will be this shadow following after me, hoping to find that one weak spot to finally crush me. Always checking my firm hold on myself, I feel better, because whatever life throws at me, I’m sure to whack it back with enough force to make a difference. And I guess that’s all that matters now.

Any given day, I know I have a choice. People always do.

Cheers to all.

wow.. it’s been a long time since i last wrote something. i wanted to write a lot of things but nothing comes in mind except what i’ve experienced for the last couple of weeks.

life for me now is very different. first off is the pay, the pay is different [higher!] haha.. which is nice because our family really needs the money. :> the work is very much different. very different. i’m gonna be handling rich, international kids. high school. ugh.. goodluck to me. although i’m very happy to be teaching art, so happy in fact, but i am kinda hoping i’d start with the lower school… but instead i’ll be handling grades 6-11. whooooo!

God give me strength. :>

a lot of thing changed, yet again, but this time it really made an impact, and i’m not just saying this, but finally i am at peace. i am scared though because this is a big thing for me. the pressure’s on. in two years i’ll be married, hopefully! :> but, it’ll be hard to save because i need to help support my family. but i am already planning the stuff that we will need in the near future. hopefully GOD will see us through and with a little luck and a lot of effort.

responsibility yet again tests me. i am afraid of it, but now i embrace it. it is who i am, who i need to be. i am a professional with a vocation. it is not a job, but my calling. [hnakana!] no, really, i want to become the ultimate GTS [research on that]. and i’m very happy to have this opportunity.

i find myself very grateful with everything i have in my life. true, i’ve never been that great at anything, but i find that having knowledge of various things is a great advantage also. i am grateful and very proud to have someone like BON in my life. though we have soe problems i am very happy with my family. i love my friends and i love how they support me. and most of all, i’m happy that i have God and my mom up thurr to guide me. i am cheesy and corny but i really don’t care anymore what others think. i am clumsy and a tad weird, reckless and somewhat crazy, but i think that it really suits me well as who i am. i’m just very happy to have finally found my peace of mind. i try to think of happy thoughts and avoid being annoyed or mad or anything. i am still sarcastic and a bit rude to other people but i learned to handle some difficult people i didn’t want to handle before.

one step at a time. there are lots of things i want to achieve. i want to be rich and free of problems but one cannot be free of problems just by being rich. i’m just saying that i want to be able to travel around the globe with my family and friends and  enjoy life as much as i can. i will eventually, i just have to finish training first. hehe.

LIP is very hard actually. i have to listen all day to a speaker and do workshops and stuff and stuff and stuff. but it’s very educational. [it's supposed to anyway. haha] i mean, that’s what we’re there for in the first place. haha.

anyway, right now i’m happy and content and i’m hungry and i need coffee and i have to go because my time here in the cafe is up so….

till next time.

cheers!

this post may offend some, or may not. whoever is linked with what i’m trying to divulge here, just shrug it off. i don’t mean to hurt anyone. i’m just ranting.

                                                                                           -sami

│but that’s beside the point. my only outlet, my only screaming attention for justice is this. how pathetic is that?

│how do i feel? hey, sami, how are you? RELIEVED. finally, i cut my ties. finally i let go. without guilt, i step back and walk away. without remorse? i dunno. not for myself, definitely. but you know what, REN? i am proud. proud because i’m a good person. despite everything that has fallen unto me, despite the damage, i’m still a better person. because my parents raised me that way. what about them, then?

│TODAY, i finally plucked up the courage to give my resignation letter. i’ve been putting it off for days and days. and it’s finally time for me to say cheers. thanks REN for sticking by me, for letting me bully you into giving your resignation letter too. it’s better that way, than being gone and AWOL, you leave with dignity. unlike SOME people who can’t show their faces while we pack up and leave. such a gutless worm, really.

│i texted my ex-boss last night that i would go over to the office to get some of my stuff. the jerk just said ‘k’. not giving me any kind of formal warning or anything about being fired [a week before], he just said not to come in for a few days cause the blood’s hot on me cause my project got rejected. so i didn’t. but i was determined to resign 2 weeks prior to that anyway, so no biggie. my two co-artists left cause bullshit was pouring from all sides in the company, didn’t want any more heat, got tired because of the corrupted system and the there was me. alone. i wanted to leave, but i wanted so much more to be responsible. [no offense intended dudes] i was doing this project that had to be run in a few days, given stuff that i couldn’t understand much, had been layouted? by someone else, using a program i’m not totally proficient with, but considering all that, i did a fair job, hell, i did a good job putting that thing together given the time i had. i sacrificed my personal time for that shitty thing. [i really think that's it's just some thing that old rich people waste money on just to say they're doing something with their life, and hey, it's not only my opinion]

│but whose fault was it, really? mine? i admit, i didn’t really wanted to do it anymore, just because, i was tired. but i clearly told HIM, that we needed to have it double-checked before we run it, because i wasn’t so sure about the details. but noooooooooooo…. he stated that we didn’t have enough time. but what happened? 4 days later he texts me saying the project was rejected, so what, they delivered it 4 days late? and they hadn’t had time to have it checked? bullshit. and then, they blame me. really, i’m sorry for your loss, but what about mine? you put every bit of blame on me, and i get what? i’m not gonna apologize because i know i did my work, i didn’t run away from my responsibility. truth is, i could’ve left weeks ago, but i just wanted to leave in a clean state. and they didn’t have anyone left, but who’s to blame for that, really? look in the mirror.

│humanitarians? "we treat the people here like one of our family". omygod. i’d rather be an orphan than be called one of them. unlike them, i have compassion, i have a heart and i give respect. i was treated as if a was some airhead scarlet woman who didn’t have enough brains to be able to string two coherent words together. but believe me, i’m MORE THAN THAT. MUCH MORE. i’m not just a pretty face, unlike what they think, i have brains, and i have values. i may be a bitch every now and then, but like i said many times before, what girl isn’t? but i do not power trip. i don’t go wrecking people’s identities just because i feel it. damn. i didn’t say one word while i was there, not one against them that could’ve ruined anyone of them. we talk about them, yeah, where it’s safe to tell friends, but we never disrespected them. we were well within our rights, more than i can say for them. i can sue them actually, past the border of the code of work ethics. but, i’m beyond that.

│i may be ranting, but hell with that. people should be aware. and believe you me, it feels great to severe ties with people like that. first i thought i didn’t want to leave on a sour note, but hell with that, if they can’t give me respect, why should i? so if any one of you come across these kind of fabrocated people, run away as far as possible. don’t let them swallow you and make you swallow what dignity you have left. it feels good to know that i left on my own volition, and not theirs. even so, my ex-boss really didn’t have any balls. whipped by his power tripping wife, that cheating horndog. i pity their daugther. no offense to her whatsoever. i’m amazed she turned out the way she is, what, with parents like hers? sorry.

│i was anything but disrespectful. i was patient, understanding and polite. i guess my lates were kind of disrespectful, then that’s the only time then. but i stayed till 2 in the am to finish stuff for them, my earliest in the late hours was 10! i extended my stay when i was late, i make it a point to finish everything before leaving as much as possible. the thing is, they don’t really care. business is business, i know that. but what is business without your people? do they care about that? i don’t think so. yes i’m bitter, but this is a one time thing, i want to let it all out in paper. or screen, whatever. i just want to pour it all.

│thing is, i enjoyed the work, i enjoyed talking with some of the people i worked with there. and i don’t regret ever coming to that place, well mainly because i met REN, and sir pao. but i’m glad i experienced the technical stuff that’s goes around there. and now i know how to work several programs i never dared open before. but the only person that was really ever nice to me was sir pao. i really appreciate his presence there. :> so, even if the possibility of him ever reading this is nil, THANKS SIR! :> muwah!

│anyway, now i’m free -  i have lots of spare time, i need to find work again. mwehehe. i need money, we need money. no, really. i need it.

just some few parting words till when:

even when you’re surrounded by irrational, selfish people, give respect. just think that everything happens for a reason. what comes around, goes around. just hope it goes around sooner.

HANDS -

my childhood friends. i grew up with them, lived life as one kid should, but most of all i remember, holding hands was never awkward.  one advantage of girls: two girls holding hands is not embarrasing.

prof. victoriano. one of the few people who i have met that truly appreciated my art. christened the title ‘aldegerism’, wherever you are sir, take care and thank you. one very inspiring person indeed.

EYES -

jay. he taught me to cope with reality and the difference of the world of dreams and the realistic life i have been fearing. forced me to understand that action is really better than words. my whole perspective changed because of him. thanks.

noel, mario, musaap, jan lorenz, k-boy, jeboy, ian, marla, hyde & MOMO - i can’t fully put into words what i have experienced with these people. joy. happiness. frustration. awareness. love. understanding. patience. empathy. caution. pain. sadness. silliness. just one word that i will never associate with them. REGRET. they will always be a part of my life - a life i saw, watched and lived by - through a rose colored window. a spectrum of life i will continue to see, even with closed eyes. THANK YOU.

FEET - i have never before been dragged all the way from las piñas to the depths of caloocan and tondo. the endless traffic and looooong commutes. the midnight attacks, having been run over by a stupid drunk motorcycle driver, dragging my sore ass and feet all over dv - all of it, experiences i will always treasure. thank you BON, I LOVE YOU.

HEART - who else but you BABY? need i say more? wielder of my heart, and my love. no one but you BON. epitome of a man: true, courageous, honest and patient. ask me about love i’ve got one word for you. BON. hurt him, he will love you more. deeply than ever. i’m really glad i met you. :>

SHOULDER -

montessori people. the people who many times i’ve shed tears for shallow reasons, they stood by me, a steady shoulder for me to cry on, at the same time, asked for support from me as one shoulder to lean on, a friend. my friends that i miss so much! you guys know who you are.

jed. funny how life works, yes? throughout the years, big gaps from here to there. yet as we see each other again, days, weeks, months and years - nothing changed. one friend that will always be  part of my life, no matter what. a shoulder to lean on, yosi buddy late night heart matter talks to look forward to from now till we grow old.

EARS -

OCCI people. listening is a gift. value your hearing, awareness stems from it. we pick up things from listening that we can’t learn from just seeing. one more thing is to hear with the heart, listen with your soul. thank you for the opportunity.

LIPS -

my mom and dad. they taught me to use my lips to spread the word of GOD, to share love, use your words wisely, never spread lies and hate. i learned the hard way mom, but i learned. thank you for being with us no matter how stupidly i used my lips to argue with you. even if you’re not around, i always remember your words. :>

i finally realize what gets me so uptight whenever i go places with bon. i mean, i go to ‘his’ places.

it’s not the fact that i’m in a place room full of people i know shit about, or that i’m not familiar with the environment and people keep staring at me like i’m not human [maybe because i'm not their kind, if you get my drift] or that people around you keep whispering stuff when you’re not looking.

paranoia. wrecks friendship [a wise boy told me that.] it also wrecks life. wrecks the mind, in fact.

but, that’s me. put me outside my aquarium, i’m a paranoid fishie feeling like jumping to get someone to help me. but that’s wrong.

i’m the kind of person that could get along with [almost] anybody, no matter what race, values, walk of life, or heck, even time frame you’ve been born into. so how come i can’t get along with different environments then?

in all honesty, i’m an insecure girl. i’m a simple person with simple wants and needs and right now, i’m just feeling a bit timid. i really felt bad yesterday, because i felt awkward. but no matter how bad i felt i didn’t get mad. i just felt… blech. so i went and got my comfort zone someplace else instead. got my neil gaiman and jpop out and i was ok again. living in my own world, escaping reality for awhile, because right then and there, i was alien to everything. and i needed my ‘world’, my safety net.

i was happy to be able to be of help to bon, to be able to be with him the whole day to show support and tend to him, but i wanted him to live in his own world, without me being a burden, so it’s okay if i was alone, i was actually more okay being alone than being in a crowd of people. and i’m happy that he’s getting along with his associates. i like to watch from afar and observe how he is when he doesn’t know i’m watching. it’s like knowing him all over again.

i saw karla yesterday, she seems intimidating for some reason, but she does look really nice, i mean friendly. hmm… wonder if she’s open to being friends, hehe. i mean, she seems like a good person, and i want to meet her. wonder if bon’s open to that. wehehe. :> and there’s this other girl, part of the COEDs, she was looking at me curiously, not critically, but curiously, as if really wanting to know how i got there. i wasn’t offended then,  people looking inquiringly at you because you’re new and looks given just because they want to know you. i dunno. the people there were really nice. i wanted to talk to them but i was really shy so.. but i was happy, i got to live one of my ‘wants’ even while sitting down. at least i caught a lot of good moves. first thing i did when i got up this morning was to practice. sssssh… i don’t want bon to know. he might make me dance for him. haha.

anyway, i’m happy, i just told bon about the stuff i wasn’t really happy about and now i’m okay, no hard feelings whatsoever. and later i’m gonna see him dance, yeah! ooooh….

so there.

cheers.

i’m not sure what i wanted to say, but reading my past blogs made me realize (again and again…) finally this is true, i am moving forward.  haha.

i want to thank my friends who continue to read my blogs, to those who leave me comments, tala, thank you, marco, thank you, my forever baby bon, thank you. (kala mo dedication, nu?) for those who are curious enough to read my posts, thank you.

i’ve been really unfair to bon, of course unintentionally, i keep writing posts about the past, of all the bitterness and sadness and fuckness i’ve experienced, i forget i’m living in the present. i’m supposed to live in the present. i’m sorry mahal. i know i’ve said this several times, and i’m sorry to dissapoint you or my friends, because i know i really have to let go. i just wanted to say this, after reading my posts, i’ve been such a fuck, yeah?! i mean to say, i’ve written so many things about letting go and all that and all my thoughts about it but i haven’t been practising it at all. kinda stupid.

i’m not talking about a particular person but just the past. i grew up an awkward person, never been exceptional at anything at all. ordinary in fact. but it really doesn’t matter now, before i was always wishing that i was rich and powerful and talented but really, i’m ok the way i am now. i’m poor but i’m really happy. i’m not that great at what i want but i do it the way i should do it. i grew up hearing people saying i’m pretty and i’m beautiful and i’m really good-looking, thank you. but really, is that all i am? no. i’m not just a pretty face. i don’t have a top-notch portfolio, don’t have straight A’s, don’t have bulky wallets or stuff like that but i have me. a me that some people do not get and appreciate, but really, i’m not out to please anyone, i live to please me and those people that i truly care about.

i get the feeling that at work people think i’m some kind of idiot. i’m somewhat slow and naive, but i’m not an idiot. i trip sometimes but i don’t fuck up totally. i get by.

i wanted to say a lot more but i’m getting sleepy and bon’s waiting for me playing dunnowhat, and we’re here in purple since 1 in the pm so we’ve been here for 3 hours, and i need to go to work and meet ren and binglog. so we can grab some coffee and do our thang. whew!

for the past years i’ve learned…

… that you cannot make someone love you. hopefully stalking them would create panic and make them give in.

… that no matter how much i care, some people are just assholes.

… that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

…that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others- they are more screwed up than you think.

… that you can keep vomiting long after you’ve finished.

… that we are responsible for our own actions, unless we are celebrities.

… that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

… that reality doesn’t just bites. it also scratches. kicks. punches [a couple of left hooks] and claws you.

… that love does make the world go round. if you care for it truly.

… that some people just can’t accept who they are and what they’ve become. they try to make you bad instead.

… that there are things worth dying for, or not, worth blackmailing someone for.

… that there are people who just can’t forgive you. just learn to accept and hope for the best for the both of your lives.

… that i am beautiful. God created me so, and i intend to live life beautifully from now on. :>

~some of these aren’t mine, but i do get the concept and think along the same ideas.

happy new year people! cheers!

lalalalalalalalalalala….. happy new year, happy happy new year…. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah….

dunno, that song just came up. hmm. just being as silly as ever. and being nostalgic.

another year goes by and still, i’m the same wishy washy, conscious, awkward, gullible, hard-headed, insolent, indecisive, bratty, annoyingly gorgeous sam from years before. i think.

a little responsible here and there, a little more mature from then, a little more serious yet carefree nowadays, a little skeptical, little bit of straightforward and blunt, but, yeah, the same sam as from way back when i discovered who i am and what i was. and that was… uhm, several months back. no! highschool perhaps? i always thought i’d be the same crybaby as before.

oh. i still am, but i cry for different reasons.

i cry for the decent poor who tries to cope with poverty.

i cry for the weak women who dutifully obey disgusting chauvinists, knowing that they deserve much better yet still they hang on being ignorant.

i cry for the dumb women getting dumb ideas hacking innocent people, threatening to kill anyone who gets near her boyfriend whom she does not give a damn about.

i cry for the people who think they are misunderstood, treat themselves as the victim of every possible scenario they themselves create, and plea to other people as innocent.

i cry for the boy and the girl who had years ahead of them being together, yet stood with someone else, but behind their back wishing to hold the other instead, what the fuck?!

i cry for the thirsty, for the hungry, because i am too.

i cry for the well-endowed women who want more.

i cry for the lovers of the well-endowed women who want more.

i cry for loved ones who passed away, missing their physical presence.

i cry for the peace of mind people seldom find. [hey, i'm a poet.]

i cry for lack of justice in whatever system.

i cry for being bitten by bugs.

i cry for the people missed, people lost.

i cry for the stupid people who have got nothing to do with their daily lives but harrass passersby.

i cry for the foolish people who throw firecrackers in the middle of the street where lots of innocent people walk by, getting harmed just by being in the right place at the wrong time, with the wrong people around them.

i cry for this post i’m making, it’s very morbid, kindalike, huh?

hokay then, now it’s time to smile. :>

i can say that i grew up, in a lot of aspects, in a lot of ways. i’ve become more…… considerate. ahah, that’s the word.

i lost the hype of having a "techie" gadget. like having to know the latest unit of phone to be launched. i’m through being superficial it’s time to be like tyra! :>

i do not conform. okie, a teeny bit. only. i like to dress up once in a while.

a promise is a promise.

asking for forgiveness is not a task, but a choice. saying sorry is easy but different from being sorry.

saying that you love someone because of the things that you had experienced with them is not a reason, neither is the time that you had spent with them. go if it hurts and you want to give up, don’t stay because you think it’ll be okay. stay because you want it to be okay.

don’t be cynical about love, if you were happy with the wrong person, what more with the right one? -anonymous

i really hate it when people tell me that if rab loves you, he’ll convert to a catholic. what about if i love him? doesn’t the same goes for me? it doesn’t matter if we believe different things, i want to get married because i want him, want to be with him, have a family, experience the commitment of having a husband, not because i want him to be a bloody catholic. [sorry]

my only problem is having to raise our kids, what’ll we do for baptism? what do i put down in their certificates? christian? hell, yeah. how can i teach them to pray without having to cross themselves, that sort of thing. we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, the important thing is, we respect one another, one another’s family and religion. i just hope the people around us feels the same in due time.

but i really, really, really want to get married in a church.

gah, i’m getting old!

another year, another time. met a lot of people, as always, it’s kinda impossible not to meet new people unless you’re way too shy or you hate people or you stay at home isolated. in any case, i met new friends. yes, friends. and i’m grateful for having them in my life.

congratulations to anna and mike by the way! cheers to you and your marriage, your baby and your love! may the years ahead be filled with generosity from the heart, both being balms of ease for each other, wisdom and gratitude and blessings for the both of you! [eh?]

where’d that come from all of a sudden? i just remembered, ahaha.

the all the people that i love, friends and acquaintances! cheers to a new year! may it be as good as you want it to be! no, better, much more fabtastic, no fantabulous!! :>

i realized, i do tell it vaguely huh? [acc. to some.] i write these long posts which never seem to end, almost always about the same thing, dragging on about the blahs of my life and yet, it’s never that simple or blunt. always vague. huh. oh well.

cheers!

it’s been a while since i’ve been on and been updated. work kept me from being civilized, or not. whichever. work’s exhausting, but very fulfilling, i’m finally being able to do something… something, something. i can say that i am finally responsible. i learn the value of money by not having it and the value of importance and appreciation. life led me to appreciate little things, past events gave me the view of being someone wanting less and simpler things in life. sure, like all others, i can be very materialistic- maybe not the word in precise, but wanting to have some stuff that comes with a lot of money. i’m not superficial, but i do have my ‘wants’. but all in all i want to be the same person, i am the same person, all grown up, finally, i can say. living all the bullshit i carried with me, haunted by the shadow of someone else, frustrated by the non-existent fear and leash of someone who is out of my life, all the lies, the pretending of being someone i’m not, trying hard to cope with someone who doesn’t understand me. finally, finally, i know who i want to be.

it is funny how life turns out, least you expect something, it’ll come blowing in your face. like bon, for instance, from my mom, from my work, from my experience. everything in the end turns out right, eventually. :> hopefully, learning my lesson serves as my atonement for those i’ve done wrong. live and let live, no? be happy with what you have, who you have at your side and where you are in life. i just want to live my life finally, truthfully, honestly and peacefully. i’m done harming, and i’m done being someone i hate.

jealousy.

is such a funny feeling. i hate it. but it’s satisfying. how? being able to vent out some stuff towards someone you don’t know. but i’m through with that. it’s just plain stupid, really. it’s funny. the same night i felt jealous, i realized that i was being completely stupid. haha. that’s how it is now. thinking before acting. dunno, it’s just really hilarious.

and it’s really really stupid. my boss’ wife thinks i’m her husband’s fling. uhm. errh… right. she’s attributing my undertime during mondays because of my classes with his going home at god knows what time in the morning to be what she thinks is our "quality time".

it’s funny. funny. funny. i know i should be mad but i’m not. i was actually sad the day i learned about this but now it’s just funny. these things pass.. and i’m happy where i work. it’s nice to know that i am capable of so many things. and finally i’m embracing that truth. i’m not doing anything wrong, and i know i’m doing my best so no problem there. life is good. should i have put this down? it’s not wrong is it? it’s not bad, i guess. i’m just mulling things over. and i’m not saying anything against anybody. it’s just funny. things are okay now, i hope.. i mean to say, i hope she’s not still thinking i’m…. whatever.

i really believe God has a weird sense of humor. :>